Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
