this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
