i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
