I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
