dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
