I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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