I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
