woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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