The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
