She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
