You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
