Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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