remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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