Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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