So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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