I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
