You just made me feel so damn special
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
