Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
