i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
