Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
