Already got asked if we're dating
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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