Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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