yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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