I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize