The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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