I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize