that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How naked do you want me to be?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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