Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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