Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
