Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
