I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
