Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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