His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
