i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
