I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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