I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize