Don't make out with my wife yet
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
