i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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