I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize