grandma shit on top of the toilet
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
