walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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