Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
