I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
