Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
