I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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