he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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