his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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