K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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