my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
