My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
