I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
