Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
