Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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