I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
