If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
