I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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