Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
