bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
