Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
