Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize