My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
