I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
