I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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