there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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