I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
