laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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